The Diary of the One Ring
by Clotho
Summary: Pure silliness. You have been warned.


THE DIARY OF THE ONE RING  
  
[Disclaimer: All background belongs to the estate of J. R. R. Tolkien. No way I could produce a work of imagination like that.]  
  
###  
  
Well, at least I'm out of the damn river! In retrospect, was a mistake to slip off the hand of that Dunedan prat in mid-stream. Should have waited till he got to shore, could have been looted by an orc and spent the next few centuries building orc empires, while I waited for the Dark Lord to rise again. All very menial of course, but better than being half buried in mud with being eaten by a fish every couple of centuries the only change of scene. Tried to influence a few of them, but fish not much into world domination. V. frustrating.  
  
Ah, feel much better for having induced that stunted oaf to strangle other stunted oaf. Haven't had a good murder in far too long, and it being all in the family is an extra buzz. Started to think I may have landed up with a weirdo, though. Also, disappointingly lacking in ambition. Chief interest seems to be fish. Not very much to work with there.  
  
#  
  
I've *got* to get out of here! True it's good to be worshipped, but I need a change of vocabulary, if I get called 'precious' *one* more time I'm going to flip!  
  
Should never have stayed this long. Saw it as a challenge, but despite being incredibly stupid and having vocab range of about twenty-seven words, most of which it can't pronounce, this gollum-gollum thing seems to be very tough in some ways. Would probably take several more ages to turn it into a decently satisfying wraith. Also, think I can sense Dark Lord again. Time to be moving on! A nice, nasty big orc... or even a little orc, after all a big one would have me off a little one fast enough.  
  
And when Sauron gets wind, ah, it will be back to spreading terror and bloodshed just like in the bad old days! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!  
  
#  
  
Curses!! Picked up by another of these short food-obsessed people! They're everywhere! What's *happened* to the world while I was in that blasted river? Did everybody shrink?  
  
Also, this one appears to be disgustingly well-intentioned. Wants to use me to help his *friends*. Blerch! Said friends also short, but at least I know about dwarves. Unfortunately what I know is mostly that they're not good material for an evil ring to work on. Sure, you can get them to obsess about gold, but most of them do that anyway.  
  
Think I may have to lie low for a bit. Again.  
  
#  
  
Wretched wizard! Just as I was *finally* getting somewhere with current short-house – which had taken far too long, I can tell you – he goes and persuades it to hand me over to *another* short-house! *Me*! Handed over like a suit of old clothes! I may never recover from the humiliation. Not to mention all that hard work is now to do again. When I return to my rightful place as the terror of Middle-Earth something, really, really nasty is going to happen to the entire over-stuffed race.  
  
And the same goes for that interfering old buzzard in grey. For a few moments thought I might persuade him to take me for his own, set out on new reign of terror, but unfortunately he was too noble, or stupid, or something.  
  
This is getting really, really, annoying.  
  
#  
  
Think I might be getting somewhere. Current short-house is a terrible drip, but quite amenable to suggestion. And the Nazgul seem to be around. Dark Lord must have realised I've surfaced. Send out a strong enough signal, and I could be back in business.  
  
#  
  
Never trust a Nazgul to do *anything* right! Always did say the Nine rings were very inferior. So I'm now in this disgusting Elvish place, with the only consolation knowing that Short-house will be feeling the pain for a nice long while. The rest of his natural in fact, though if I've got any say that shouldn't be so very long.  
  
Top Elf and Fool in Grey seem to think they've arranged for me to be dropped back in Mount Doom. Quite amusing, really. After all, if Dunedan Prat couldn't do it after knowing me for all of ten minutes Short-house isn't going to stand a chance. Unless they're planning to throw him in along with me.... Whoa! Bad turn there, but really, they're all much too sickeningly noble for that.  
  
Of course I'm not just going to sit around and wait for Dark Lord to pick me up when the time is right. Far too dull, and anyway I don't want Sauron taking me for granted....  
  
#  
  
OK, I've got eight possibles here. Fool in Grey I already know. One dwarf: no good. Three more short-houses: no way! Considered elf, but most elves a bit wishy-washy these days. Two men my best bet. One of them seems to be descended from Dunedan Prat, which is promising.  
  
#  
  
Think other man better prospect. Prat's Brat seems to have absorbed some highfalutin' ideas from somewhere. Gondor Man wants to win lots of battles – much better.  
  
Seen the last of Fool in Grey! Balrogs have their uses.  
  
#  
  
Yet another disappointment, it's a good thing I'm so well-adjusted and resilient. That She-Elf seemed just the right type, very old and proper Valinor power, not like the watered-down elves you usually see. And she *wanted* me, I know she did. Getting lovely fantasies about all-out war between Sauron and She-Elf. No matter who won either. I may be evil, but I'm not sexist: a Dark Lady could be every bit as satisfying. But then she has to go and succumb to an attack of nobility.  
  
Ah, well. Back to tempting Gondor Man.  
  
#  
  
You know, sometimes the power to make mortals invisible doesn't work out so well. And short-houses are unfortunately fast movers. Result: I'm now stuck with just the familiar drip and one other short-house who is so loyal and devoted it makes me positively ill.  
  
What's more, I think I can sense gollum-gollum thing again. Mark of how low I've sunk that that actually feels like quite a good thing. At the very least, should introduce a refreshing bit of corrupted nastiness.  
  
#  
  
Honestly, I don't know what's happened to the Dunedain. Is there no decent selfish ambition left? Ah, for the bad old days back in Numenor, when Sauron had the whole island properly corrupted.... Well, near enough. Have had to give up on the idea of wreaking havoc in Minas Tirith. On the other hand, good progress with gollum-gollum thing. Better be careful though, I don't want to be eaten by a giant spider, even if she is spawn of Ungoliant. Spiders' ambitions far too limited.  
  
#  
  
Not a good few days at all. Gollum-gollum thing sadly failed to repossess me, and Second Short-house proved even worse than I'd thought: quite numb to temptation, probably on account of being much too stupid. Actually handed me back to First Short-house! Hope I'm not losing my touch.  
  
And we're in Mordor with lots of juicy evil all around.... Ah, the frustration! Still, not far to Mount Doom, *then* the fun will start!  
  
#  
  
Ah, the heady smell of molten lava! The sensation of hopelessly tormented Shorthouse (and things are only going to get worse for him!), and the further sensation of hopelessly corrupted, vengeful gollum-gollum thing. This is the stuff!  
  
Soon be back in my rightful place! I can feel Sauron sensing me, I can feel the Nazgul rushing to take me! Hardly matters which of this two wins, but a savage, mad with desire fight is just the thing to set me up!  
  
Ah, the power! The hunger! The-  
  
Oh, Bugger..... 


End file.
